What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Just What You’d Expect

Greetings loyal readers and new explorers.  Back from an inexcusable hiatus, Let’s Rap is ready to rock the Summer movie season.  Why see this ensemble, predictable rom-com?  For the same reason I ran to Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve: because these star-studded Lifetime originals hit that sweet spot of inevitability, embarrassment and hopefully tears.  And it exists.

What to say that you don’t already know from the trailers?  In this yarn, an array a pre-baby women exult in and decry their experiences.  Each leading lady faces a particular element of potential pregnancy obstacles.  Jennifer Lopez worries about creating a forum for her adopted baby.  Throw in a dash of money woes and she and on-screen hubs Rodrigo Santoro make a surprisingly root-worthy pair.  Her hair stylings are particularly fascinating- she hasn’t looked so good in ages.  Elizabeth Banks, finally with child, groans at the hideous toll on her body.  It is her husband (played by Bridesmaids’ Ben Falcone) who delivers my favorite comic and heartbreaking moments.  Who knew?  Conversely, her step-mother-in-law (Brooklyn Decker) whose youthful character is married to Dennis Quaid (more on him shortly) glistens in endless pregnant glory.  Cameron Diaz is supposed to be a Jillian Michaels-esque tv fitness personality who insists she maintain her dedication to the show and her physique throughout.  Her controlling nature butts heads with baby-daddy Matthew Morrison.  I encountered this segment rife with disbelief: in the snippets of her fitness show, Diaz portrays the least motivational guru captured on film.  Moreover, I just couldn’t buy into the romance.

In a more youthful land, Anna Kendrick and Chace Crawford play long-lost high school chums.  I declare he looks much better here than on Gossip Girl.  Who’s with me?

For you bros out there wondering, what does this film have for me, I first say: nothing.  But I will go on to recount the daddies at the park tale which is strangely the most pervasive part of this film’s ad campaign.  Strolling through the grass like reservoir dogs, these pops are encumbered by diapers, babies and dashed dreams.  Chris Rock is more eye-bulging than ever.  I choose to believe it is the incredulity at appearing in this movie and being such a marginalized character.  There are a few chuckles but bored and watching TBS sit-com reruns level.

I promised more Quaid.  At a whopping 19 years his senior (thank you the Internet), Quaid plays demure Falcone’s NASCAR racing alpha father.  Trampling Falcone’s successes with his own ego-induced efforts, Quaid attempts to hijack his son’s moments.  I won’t spoil the scene, but let’s just say my cinematic companion and I turned to each other cackling loudly just to mask the deluge of tears that were approaching movie-floor territory.  Don’t judge me.

If you want to see something unfold exactly as you anticipate over a 2 hour period, you may receive a couple laughs and a couple tears.  You will not receive any surprises.

On a scale of Valentine’s Day (4) to Steel Magnolias (9), this may as well get a 6.

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