When I go home for holiday weekends, I must immediately schedule time to attend my places of worship. These are solemn excursions; my time at various Torontonian movie theaters is precious. With that in mind, I galvanized all strength and promised to hold out on seeing Wrath of the Titans by one week and save it for bro-time. We also cleaved to the notion that viewing American Reunion was a necessary portion of the festivities.
We began with Wrath. In the interest of integrity, I will note that this particular viewing occurred in Hamilton. I know you are vastly curious about my travels. 3D glasses aloft and a slice of PizzaPizza by my side- I need to indulge in the local cuisine- we embarked on the sophomoric bastardization of Greek myth. I use the term “myth” as only an indicator of the canon from which this story evolved. My real fans know that I am a true believer. If anyone wants to focus group my teen soap on the Greek gods, see me at my personal email. For reals. Back to Wrath. Sam Worthington’s hair has grown significantly since Clash of the Titans. His charisma has not. Perseus is a laudable hero demi-god and should behave confidently and with leadership. Worthington acts with one note and the note is off-key and devoid of personality. And yet I love Avatar oh so much. Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, both revered stage and screen thespians, parade around the underworld as Zeus and Hades respectively. I hope they are entertained by these ridiculous films and that they share port and cigars in their trailers and laugh about bringing home the bacon.
The film offers the implausible premise that Cronos, father of the Olympians, is draining the Gods’ powers in order to re-usurp his crown. Without giving too much away, the only person/god available to stop him happens to be Perseus. Other than its deepest inconsistency with real ancient stories, the implausibility stems from my incredulity that Apollo, Hercules, Athena, Hera and more, fail to show up in this. No way. Ares and Hephaestus pop up but are laughable caricatures. The real Ares has more verve. To save Zeus and the others, Perseus enlists a rag-tag group of fighters to wage against Cronos. This is a vacuous, personally insulting action adventure. The 3D does nothing to enhance the visual experience of Perseus’ descent into the underworld. The love story is meager at best. How then can I avow that I was more entertained by Wrath than by American Reunion? I just did. My bro will present his countervailing take on this issue in later rounds. Let me just say that Liam/Ralph added some meaty, albeit melodramatic, flavor and the fight scenes were decent.
Next was Pie 4. American Reunion was not terrible. It even provided some laughs. But it was excessively derivative of its origin trilogy. I believe my brother will argue that mirroring the first is a well-skilled effort. I argue that I was bored. To put it clearly, Chris Klein’s Oz was my preferred character this time around. Stiffler committed to his dick joke oeuvre zealously, but it was just more of the same perving and razzing. Innocuous off-color jokes abounded and the bros lived it up like it was 1999. The best gag related to the pre-cell phone era. On a personal note, I shared in the gang’s high school nostalgia as we are meant to all be the same age. Yes, I just publicly admitted my age on the internet. Deal with it.
Even the ostensibly shocking full frontal dick shot (Biggs’ anatomy if you must know) was diluted by a well-placed transparent kitchen apparatus. The film meandered through grown up questions of marital woes and career blunders, peppered by the requisite curse words. The only real questions were how fast would the couples unite and what was with the insane side-boob. I have no regrets in seeing this and I enjoyed the outing. But I stand by Wrath’s inherent entertainment value.
If you are looking to see a movie this week, check out Goon. That is all.
Wrath: On a scale of Clash of the Titans original (8) and Clash of the Titans next gen (4) I give this a 6.5.
American Reunion: On a scale of American Pie (7.5) and American Wedding (5) I give this a 6.