As this CW masterpiece marches to an end, there is really one major question: who are you people? As a lapsed viewing friend said to me, the characters on screen are unrecognizable. This is not a figurative remark related to character assassination; I will give OTH credit for maintaining consistency. I mean she truly didn’t know who anyone was because half of the beloved mains are gone. Next week heralds the return of one Scott brother, the prodigal bastard, returning to find the other Scott. It is a sad day when I am pumped for Chad Michael Murray. That guy peaked during his Gilmore run. As for my preferred Scott, the Nathan variety, he is embroiled in an inexplicable international kidnapping scheme leaving him with little to no air time. Even Tutor Girl is basically a supporting player these days as she cries foul about Nate gone missing. Why did a basketball owning mob boss kidnap him again?
There is never an excuse for a soap to use a character-gets-fat as a viable storyline. Who cares? And, no thanks. But if you bother to go down that husky rabbit hole, have the decency to make the character look fat. Marvin “Mouth” McFadden has had his share of pathetic encounters but it seemed like he was finally in a secure place with his talk show and lady friend. Then the lady friend called him out as a porker on that very show. Even Dan, my bright light (more on that later) quipped about his chunk. The problem is, he is barely looking any different. I think he has on some sort of pregnancy pad under his billowy suits but the face looks exactly the same. This is the worst kind of laziness. Someone get those Eastern Euro-thugs to kidnap this plot! Finally, if anyone is laying on the heft, it’s Jamie Scott. I said it.
Clay has some sort of fugue post traumatic stress disorder. Now I don’t mind Clay. He did, after all, reawaken Locklear’s loins in a grand lifetime original about a May-December romance. But I do mind that doe-eyed James sister who keeps getting up his craw then flitting about her youngster nephew in string bikinis. Pass. I suppose some sort of past history of abuse or equivalent will be revealed that will explain his condition. I wish I cared.
I love me some Chris Keller. I just do. His skeezoid girl of the moment, who is also getting her hump on with Chase (of the how did someone from Laguna Beach actually maintain an acting career contingency) is giving me nothing to work with.
I think I love Julian. He’s a bit too emo for the newly aged me, but I think he’s a good match for Brooke. And when I can forget that he blazed through Tree Hill to reclaim Peyton during his initial run, I find them to be a pleasant couple. I think if he left my baby in a blazing car it might take me more than 5 minutes to get over it. But the viewer me got over that waste of a vignette by the commercial break. If this ugly moment of marital bliss prompted a collaboration with Dan Scott, then I say giv’r.
Dan Scott. Yes, you abandoned Lucas only to live seconds away from him, clearly his father, scorning Karen and mocking Keith as the pseudo-father/uncle. Yes, you pushed Nathan too hard into basketball. And oh ya, you COLD-BLOODIEDLY whacked Keith. And yet. Dan Scott, you are a mensch. When Nate left the canvas and eyes pointed Dan-ward, in my heart I knew he was innocent. Now he is on a quest- with eager-eyed Julian in tow- to vanquish enemies and save his precious boy. Will Lucas forgive your murder? Unlikely. But godspeed. And, when you have some time off during this adventure, please feel free to drown anyone else on the show again. Sure, let them live as you did Clay, but be sure to cap it off with an excellent, vitriolic peptalk. My name is Sam, and my fandom is 1.