Bathroom Antics

Today, I share with you a little toilet humour.

I was in court and had to use the bathroom.  Simple enough.  I went into the bathroom, which had a few urinals and three stalls.  There was one other participant inside and he selected to use the middle stall.  Understandable because the stall on the right was a handicapped bathroom and the one on the left was the closest to the urinals, but still, I find it inconsiderate to make the next man have to use a stall beside you.  But, this I’ll save for a “Grievances” post.

At any rate, I chose the non-handicapped stall – just the kind of guy I am.  I padded the seat with toilet paper (as one does in public) and proceeded to sit down.  That was when I noticed the gentleman beside me was wearing orange pants.  Remember, I was in court.  Orange pants = orange prison jumpsuit.  Being a curious fellow, I leaned forward to get a better look.  I thought maybe he’d be wearing ankle-cuffs or something cool.  Confirmed – he was wearing a prison uniform.  No cuffs.

Not such a great story.  But, as I leaned forward, my toilet flushed.  Automatic flushing toilets – another grievance for another day.  Problem one – this was one of those awful, splashy toilets – the one that sputtles water all over the place when it flushes.  Problem two – the guy beside me knew something was up.  Not 10 seconds later, all I hear is this criminal mutter “What the fuck?”  Now, I can’t think of many unrelated reasons to just blurt out that statement.  Unless of course he was doing drugs in the bathroom and something went awry.  Part of me still thinks this is the case.

I am a private man by nature.  This scenario obviously rattled me to my core.  Any hope I had of a successful bathroom experience was out the window.  So, I did what any Herman would have done.  I fake wiped by ripping a few sheets of toilet paper – extra loudly and at calculated time intervals.  Meanwhile, the toilet flushed twice more.  Those goddam auto-flushes!  I got out of the stall, heard the other gentleman flush, did a quick hand-wash and got the hell out of there before any face-to-face encounter could ensue.

This is my life.  This is

In case it wasn’t clear – no, I did not go to the bathroom.

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